like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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