My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
