did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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