Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Randomize
