Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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