what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Randomize
