i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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