Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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