At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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