Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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