I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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