whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
We need to get me chipped asap
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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