Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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