Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
