I wish I could teleport
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
