please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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