can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
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