She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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