So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
