I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
