i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Do you remember whose house we're in?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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