don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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