atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
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