i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I think I am morally bankrupt
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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