I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
