Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
