Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Randomize
