Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Randomize
