i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
It's not a walk of shame if you run
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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