the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Randomize
