Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Randomize
