He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
