lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
