Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
