White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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