those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
