watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
send nudes
from the living room?
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
