We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
