I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
