my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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