i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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