Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
