Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
