I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
