I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
