I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
