i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
