Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Randomize
