Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
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