Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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