My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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