No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
