So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
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