Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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